Down the Rabbit hole
by gonattsaga
Summary: Tim/Gareth Pre-slash at this point. Sometimes when you least expect it you find yourself having tea with a Mad Hatter and chasing a White Rabbit, but it's okay because tumbling down the Rabbit Hole might be the best thing that's ever happened to you.


There is a certain monotony in an office. A repetitive pattern of meaningless tasks. All tied together into an endless string of time wasted. But you just sort of go with it. You don't exactly count the minutes, but you do punch the keys, make the calls, print the pages, and it's all on auto pilot because the minute you step through the doors, take off your coat and take your seat, you kind of shut off. The real you, whatever makes you human, just sort of retreats and goes for a nap or whatever it does, and doesn't come out again until it's time to head down to the pub, or even pour yourself the evening cereal and turn on the telly in time for your favourite program. Unless… unless, of course, you happen to be lucky enough to work with someone who isn't just another gerbil, but with whom you have a connection, a human connection, and you develop a friendship with this person. Then you can ward off the monotony, together. You can be yourself despite the tie.

And in that sense, I am lucky.

But still, there really ought to be more to life than this. I know there could be. I've told Dawn so many times, it's better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb than halfway up one you don't.

But I'm still here. I've officially given my notice twice now, and still, I'm here. Wasting away. Answering phone calls about quality and quantity and package deals and the current rate, of paper. Paper. I ask you.

Well, it's different for me, though. I'm not making excuses, really. But it is different, there's a difference between her and me, which is why, when I see someone like Dawn, someone who is beautiful and lovely and talented, throwing her life away in this shitty place, you know, I have to encourage her, as a friend I have to try and inspire her, even if I can't work up the courage or whatever it is that I generally lack to do the same for myself.

And I'd like to think that I have. Well, she's getting out of this place. She's going to the States with her fiancé, Lee, good bloke, I don't know if she will have the opportunity to keep pursuing her dream of becoming an illustrator, and I don't know if Lee is very encouraging with her in that, or not, but hey, at least she's getting out of here. Which is more than anyone could say for me, you know what I mean.

I guess my own life isn't as important to me. I guess somewhere along the line I just kind of stopped and had a good look at myself and realized, no, doesn't matter, you're not going to do anything with your life, why bother. Why not just stick with what you have and make the best of it. Sometimes it's just not worth throwing the dice.

"You alright?"

And then there's of course Gareth. That's complicating things as well, I have to admit.

"Yeah, mate. I'm fine. Cheers."

I'm not saying Gareth has anything to do with me staying, I'm not saying that. Gareth is usually, as a general rule, a pain in the arse, my arse, and we don't really get along very well, but… and don't tell him I've told you this, alright, but he is also one of the few people in the office that brings out the humanity in me. I wouldn't say we're friends. Or anything like that. But there's something between us, some sort of chemistry, or connection, that I haven't really paid as much attention to as I could've so I can't really say what it is or could potentially be, I've never had the need to explore that, because I got all the companionship I needed from Dawn. So… but now she's leaving. And I don't know if I should take her lead and just start over myself, or if I should stick around, roll with the punch and see what happens.

"I just don't want to come to, five years from now, and realize I've wasted my chance in life …"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Gareth. Sorry. Just thinking out loud."

"So you're bummed about Dawn leaving then?"

I look up at him. He's not looking at me, he's writing, left arm bent at an awkward angle, lips pressed together in concentration, jaw bone jutting out. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of his. Not in general. I know the kind of mad things he contemplates. Mostly to do with war and armies. But specific, reality based, stuff. Me. Yeah, I guess I wonder what he thinks about me. Probably that I'm a sad tosser.

"Yeah, well, no, I'm, you know… happy for her. But I am going to miss her. Probably. Yes."

No reaction. Just jaw bone jutting further out. Lips more firmly pressed together. And his pencil stopped moving.

"Heard you asked her out again…"

"Where'd you hear that?"

I can't believe Dawn would have told anyone. And I don't see how anyone could have guessed it. We were only in that room for about ten seconds. There were no tears. No nothing. I even turned my microphone off. Oh, that's right. I told the film crew afterwards, didn't I. That was fairly stupid… but I don't see why they would have told Gareth, out of all people, unless they told everyone, but what reason could they possibly have to do that.

"So it's true then?"

"What?" I blink the focus back into my eyes and flinch briefly at the unexpected eye lock with Gareth, big, blue, baby bird-like eyes. "Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes, I suppose I did yeah. She said no, by the way. No hard feelings."

I glance at him again. He doesn't say anything. But for some reason, a tiny little voice in the back of my head somewhere, probably a little blue bird, whispers, not true. For a moment I argue with the inner voice that there's absolutely no reason whatsoever for Gareth's feelings to harden over something like this that's got nothing to do with him, he doesn't even fancy Dawn, he's never once asked her out or made any kind of stupid move. In the next moment, as the little voice counters, I devote my entire concentration, energy and focus on denying everything that the little voice is saying in its squeaky sing-song voice.

I actually spend the rest of the afternoon doing that. And avoiding Gareth's eye as much as humanly possibly. I almost wish I could build that file barricade between us again, but I don't feel like making the effort.

"You going for a pint then?" Gareth asks me as I pack up at the end of the day.

I try to pretend I haven't heard him at first. It doesn't work though. Gareth has this ability. When he looks at you, no matter how hard you try to avoid eye contact with him, your gaze is just magnetically drawn to his. Sooner or later you're there, staring back, must be the size of them, you just can't avoid them, they're huge.

"Yeah, I might, have a couple, just to wind down, I guess… Why. You going?"

"Yeah, I might stop by. Couple of mates are going down to Chaser's so…"

"Oh yeah…"

An awkward silence ensues.

"Did you-"

"What-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, you-"

"Hm? Oh, no, I was just-"

Another awkward silence ensues.

"I was just wondering if you might want to share a cab… that's all", I say eventually.

I don't know what possessed me. It was just straight down the rabbit hole from there.


End file.
